Volume 4

Edition 2

12 February 1999


Match Play

Read this slowly and Carefully!!

I had written a newsletter that named those people eligible for the match play tournament. I had also verbally ridiculed people for not checking their calendars, or listening to the Tee Marshall. Now I have to do the same to the Tee Marshall - qualifying is next month, check your calendar.

To those 16 players who thought they had qualified (me included) my commiserations to the eight who thought they had missed out, you have a month to hone your skills.

According to the calendar, Match Play qualifying is 6.3.99 NOT 6.2.99. TIME FOR GLASSES CHRIS or were we too absorbed in the poofy red bag?

To the sick little puppy -


I have it on good advice that Club abuse was rife on Saturday. The McEnroe syndrome raised itís ugly head on more than one occasion. All names have been altered to protect the innocent, but it is true "Nat King Cole" and "sick little puppy."?

A big tut tut and a smack on the wrist to you both.


The Club has voted to divide the competition into two grades:

A Grade 0 - 18 handicappers

B Grade 19 - 36+ handicappers

Ball allocation per week to be 2 balls - winner; 1 ball - second; 1 ball third, each grade.

More importantly:

Championship points will be accorded to each grade to be allocated to a single championship table recorded retrospectively from the first championship round this year. (sorry Allan). Check the handicap sheet for your current standing.

Page 2.


Moreover, all players on a handicap of 10 or less will now lose only one half of one point for winning plus normal handicap adjustment. (All those affected may pay homage to Frederick Aloyisius Howe Esq) but I think he would prefer it if you just threw him money.

The matter of playing a game at Kingston Links arose last week along with a game at Curlewis (which apparently is a fabulous course).

Des Nixon is to investigate Curlewis, Neil Argall similarly Kingston Links.

Both are to report back at the next meeting.

We have a number of henpecked golfers who find it difficult to play each week. For what itís worth, hereís a little tip -

Do as I do

On Saturday when the alarm goes off, I roll over and in my huskiest sexiest voice (yeah yeah), say "Golf course or intercourse"?

The reply?

"See you at 1.30pm" YOU BET

Until next month

Keep hitting the little ball without hitting the big ball.






Volume 3

Edition 10

20 November 1998



This is the penultimate newsletter for 1998. (Donít you just love that word - penultimate - it simply rolls off the tongue).

As has been the case in the past, the last newsletter of the year will allow a chance to reflect on all that has happened in 1998.

But for now, itís about whatís on and who if anyone, stuffed up.

Iíll start this little tale with a brief resume of Rich River.

For those who attended, I have been assured it was our best trip yet. Due at least partly to the generosity and hospitality of Greg and Karla who treated us as one of their own.

But, we went to Rich River to play golf and win trophies: So - now to the winners:

Winner of the gold polo top and Rich River Champion - Bob McDonald

Runner up - Steve Cole

Saturdayís winners:

Nearest the Pin Bob McDonald, Steve Cole

Longest Drive Trevor Jackson

Sundayís winners:

Nearest the Pin Craig Sharp, Chris Priems

Longest Drive Greg Clark

Visitors Award Greg Clark

Putting Award Richard Condon

CAD Award Neil Argall (and Karen and Barbara breath sighs of relief)

For what itís worth (speaking of stuff ups), Craig Sharp was overnight leader on Saturday and primed for a good day Sunday. That is, until he went nightclubing on Saturday night and arrived for breakfast extremely blurry eyed and grass stained on Sunday morning. He did however manage third place. Craig is one sick little puppy.

Thanks to Chris Priems for doing all the hard work over the weekend. He, and only he, knows how time consuming these weekends can be. Chris not only worked as tee marshall both days, but on the second day had to run the tee off a leaders board. Also, he had to aggregate the scores, the putting, record the NTPís and the longest drives. As there were no disputes, it can only be said "job well done" and my personal thanks. Please come along next year

Page 2.


Quote of the weekend goes to Richard Condon at the barbie, Richard was sitting in the shade. Trish asked Richard to join her in the sun and he excused himself by saying his neck was sunburnt. "How did your neck get sunburnt" asked Trish. "By standing over the ball" replied Richard, "and I stand over the ball more often than anyone". Who can compete with that?

Arrangements will soon be in place for next year - REGISTER YOUR INTEREST SOON.


From the Minutes

At the November meeting, Ken Grist was bestowed Life Membership. As with Fred and David, the benefits total sweet F.A. Maybe as our Club grows so will the benefits! However, itís the only way the members have of acknowledging the work of the few for the good of the rest. - CONGRATULATIONS KEN

Annual General Meeting

Nominations for the committee were lodged at the November meeting. Make sure you attend the A.G.M. to register your vote.

There are also some notices of motion that will require your input.


Letís make it the best yet. Come along to the December meeting with your input.

Until then.







Volume 3

Edition 9

16 October 1998


Congratulations to Ken Grist for taking out the Match Play comp for 1998. A huge phallic symbol awaits you on Awards Day. Ken won the final 2 and 1 over the Club stalwart, Fred Howe. Yes Fred, you too get a phallic symbol to keep, however (naturally) yours will be smaller.


As reported in the last newsletter there is now to be a two week par comp sometime in March to be called the Autumn Cup. Last week the Club decided to honour our other life member. The trophy will now be the "David Ford Autumn Cup".

There was a suggestion it be called the "Dave Ford - Tom Watson Donnybrook".


Last week Ken Grist was nominated for life membership. Come along next month to vote him in.


Or as the walking headline would say "now to the Shame File"

Shame, Burggy, Shame!!!

Recently on a wet and bleak Saturday morning, Graham in his wisdom, decided at the 7th that if the rain kept up he was not going to risk his health for anyone. The rain did keep up and this dastardly fellow, true to his word, elected to forfeit and submit (dare I say) a "did not finish" card. As his marker, I was in a dilemma, do I continue and confuse the other two cards? or do I also forfeit? In a brave act of chivalry I forfeited. Thatís my story and Iím sticking to it. No correspondence will be entered into.

NOW I was supposed to type in a joke here ------ but it was disgusting and I was not in the mood to type the joke - so I suggest you ask Neil.

Until next month







Volume 3

Edition 8

18 September 1998


Gerry Barber

To quote humorist Roger Simon: - "The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise". - Now we know why Gerry took up golf. Unfortunately, for the rest of us - his golf has improved to the degree he can wear whatever he damn well wants. Wear that jumper again Gerry.

Tony Tome

Tony and I debated the origin of the bagpipes. I claimed Scotland, Tony - Ireland. Knowing (naturally) I was right, I consulted the encyclopedia to confirm. WELL Tony, I am advised the bagpipes date back to ancient Roman times. However, (and I will claim a moral victory), the bagpipes are the national instrument of Scotland.

Speaking of which:

Q. Do you know why pipers march to and fro?

A. It makes them a harder target.

Fred Howe

Fred literally did his balls over a young lady a couple of weeks ago. While standing to tee off on the ninth, this extremely athletic young lady jogged by. As we were heading to the tenth tee this same young lady came towards us jogging up the path. Fred approached her to comment on her athleticism. Thatís when we noticed his golf ball bouncing down the path. Unfortunately, our esteemed past leader had lost all control.


He has suggested, and accepted by the meeting as a whole, that following the success of the Winter Cup, we should hold a comp. in the Autumn along the lines of the Winter Cup. It will be a two day par competition, playing for a perpetual trophy (plus replica) followed by a Club funded barbecue on the second day. Minor details as to the staging of the event have yet to be ironed out. Weíll keep you informed well in advance, so that you can keep those weekends clear.

Stuff all else came out of the meeting, so Iíll leave you with a thought (nothing to do with golf), from Oscar Wide:

"Bigamy is one wife too many

Monogamy is much the same"

Until next month







Volume 3

Edition 7

7 August 1998


Usually, sometime during the month we get a major cock up or someone just makes a dickhead of themselves. But this month, boring, boring, boring. As we approach Spring, when the blood in a manís veins turns to lead in his pencil, we may see more agro male stuff ups.

Seeing as you guys wonít do anything to write home about, Iíll get straight down to business.


Deposits were due last week. As I mentioned earlier, I tentatively booked 15 rooms.

So far we have confirmations for 13 rooms, which I personally think is great. This equates to 15 players.

Of those 15, only 9 have paid their deposit. I am required to confirm room bookings the week after next and will only do so on rooms for which the deposit is paid.

So, if you want to be there itís going to cost you $50 / head - NOW.

Besides which, thatís $50 you donít have to find on the Cup weekend.

Then you can do what I do. Invest it on the Melbourne Cup. I follow the horses; but I usually follow horses that follow other horses.

Prior to the weekend I will prepare a kit for each player:

This will include a brochure on the motel, Rich River and info on things to see and do around Echuca. Even Allan wonít get lost.


Last week we discussed and ratified the Clubís Rules. Over the next few weeks I will transcribe them and prepare a copy for each Club member.

Match Play Semis

All the best to the four members who go head to head next week. To Fred, Robert and Ken Iíve already cleared a space in my cabinet for the trophy. (As Iím sure, so have you) by the way Fred - Do you really have any space for another one?


Why did the Scots hate the World so much that they inflicted upon us Bagpipes, Haggis and Golf. Hit them straight and not very often.





Volume 3

Edition 6

10 July 1998

Fred Howe Winter Cup

Congratulations to our esteemed leader - one Allan Davies - for a consistent display over two weeks to take out this coveted trophy. The man was chuffed until he was reminded of how large the perpetual was. He had always confined the CAD award (if he ever looks like coming close) to the garage. Will he do the same to Frederick Howe Esq?

Another highlight was Robert Priemsí longest drive on the 17th. I donít know what heís on, but I want a case of it.

A special mention to Chris Priems

Thanks Chris from everyone for an excellent job slaving over a hot barbecue, ensuring that we all left totally sated.

Fredís Return

It was good to see Fred turn up at his barbecue and vow to be in the thick of it in the very near future. To a man, we say "welcome back".


Membership Drive

Following Chris Priems suggestion that we encourage new members, I have approached Howard regarding posting a notice in the breezeway. He has agreed and the notice should go up this week.

Speaking of new members:

Mick Barden deserves a slap on the back for winning the July monthly medal.

The handicapper better make sure it doesnít happen again.


From the Minutes

At the next meeting the Clubís rules as exist, will be voted on. Each member will be given a copy of the Rules beforehand so that they will be prepared on the day. It was agreed that only Rules requiring amendment will be discussed.

For what it is worth, Stuart Appleby was fined $1500 recently for slow play. He took 60 seconds over his shot. Time allowed is 45 seconds. If that applied to us we would have a lot of extremely poor golfers.



Page 2.


Rich River

As reported in the last newsletter we are now staying at All Rivers Motor Inn.

$50.00 per head deposit required at August meeting to reserve rooms.

Members who attended last year will confirm that occupancy rate for the weekend is close on 100%, so we are fortunate to achieve discount rates.

Below is a list of those attending and accommodation as reported to me. If it is incorrect, please let me know.

Neil Argall Double

Allan Davies Double

Rodger Clarke Double

Fred Howe Double

Robert Priems Double

Keith Del Zoppo Double

Bob McDonald Double

Chris Priems ] Twin Share

Craig Sharp ]

Trevor Jackson Single Supplement

Steve Cole Single Supplement

Gerry Barber Single Supplement

So far we have filled eleven rooms. We have booked fifteen rooms to be confirmed in August. So, if other members donít want to go we are open to guests.


A few of us guys play with a social golf club that plays five games a year - new members (or visitors) welcome.

Last week it was at Flinders, a delightful picturesque course. Why do I tell you this? Because Rodger Clarke parred the course. It all started with a birdie on the first. However, Rodger did not collect a trophy. To quote Professor Julius Sumner Miller "Why is this so?" For the answer, ask Rodger.


Until next time.






Volume 3

Edition 4


Dateline May 5th 1998 10.30pm

I have just completed the May minutes and am ducking flack from all sides. My sight is growing dim and my hands are weak (O.K. - forgive me my moment of glory. I always wanted to be a war correspondent).

However, from the number of questions I receive, I wonder who, if any of us reads this shit. But then again the first place we go blind - is in the eyes.

In response to the above:

Yes - Kingston Links is fully booked.

No - we can still accommodate more players for Rich River. However, we may have to change motel venue.

To the first:

Kingston Links - May 17th

We have 16 players including 3 visitors.

Tee off is at 11.00am assemble 10.30am for tee allocation

We are playing for the following trophies

The competition will be a stableford event with ball trophies for the best out and best in nine. Our illustrious and now hated, President suggested a yellow ball comp. on the day. (I have a suggestion, lets de-dack him and paint them yellow). This will be recorded as a stroke score.

To the second:

Rich River is Growing

This really is the best weekend away. Just ask a member whoís been there (or their wives).

Good golf, great food, fabulous friendship. Limited openings available.

Page 2.



From the Minutes

The main business to arise this month is that we are on a membership drive.

Chris did the figures - and there not good - So -

Ask a friend

Ask a neighbour

Ask an associate

Ask annnybody


Donít ask Fred Grifone

We want to keep our members.


Please Explain

A certain member of our club played a friend? in a friendly match for skins. He played this friend? off his official handicap of 19, knowing his real handicap at the time was 15. Naturally he cleaned up. We wonít mention his name but his initials are Allan Davies.


A very tired journo would just love to have contributions from any member of the Club.

Pen a few words or thoughts and weíll run it by the editor. We really need your help (If you get edited out donít blame me, blame Cheryl). - ĎThanks very much - could they be much worse than you!!í

Thought for the Month

When primitive man beat sticks on the ground and screamed at the skies they called it witchcraft.

When modern man does the same thing they call it GOLF.

Until next month.


Bogey (x2) Man







Volume 3

Edition 3


From the Meeting

This month there is sweet F.A. to report, as a meeting wasnít held.

Initially, it was the secretaryís fault. He fell victim to a virus that prevented him being available on monthly medal day. Then armed with last monthís minutes, notepad and pen he was informed that the Treasurer had decided to take the next weekend off. Suddenly, the Club rooms were cooler due to a lack of monthly hot air.

Kingston Links

For those who havenít booked but are considering:- DONíT

We have filled our complement and deposits have been paid.

For those who are going, hereís whatís in store -

11.00am tee off on possibly the best public course in Victoria, followed by a two course dinner in our private room.

Meal to consist of: Entree - Lasagne

Main - Roast beef, roast pork, roast turkey, baked

potatoes, quiches, medley of vegetables,

assorted salads, coffee and tea

On top of that, we are playing for a winners and runner up trophy, longest drive and two nearest the pin trophies.

Plus giveaways including starting golf ball. (We may even consider a trophy for the player who comes home with his original ball).

Okay, so Kingston Links is chokkas but there is still time to book for Rich River. Numbers are closing soon. See Neil if you are interested. So far we only have nine starters.

This really is a great weekend away, good golf, good food, good accommodation, great friendship. Just ask somebody whose been before.

Tee off in a fit state

As a junior football coach, I was amazed to discover while doing an accreditation course that children as young as ten years of age had suffered torn ligaments and muscle damage due to the lack of a warm up.

Page 2.



If this can happen to young kids with their supple bodies what about us old fogies?

We all want to play like the pros. BUT We donít have the extra hour plus to warm up, or the two hundred golf balls to waste on a practice range.

Yet, we can do something to help ourselves avoid injuries and loosen up before a game.

The following comes courtesy of V.I.S.

Shoulder Muscles:

Hold a club behind your neck with your right hand; at waist level, hold it with your left hand, fingers outward. Gently pull down, stretching your shoulder for 15 seconds. Repeat on other side.

Neck Muscles:

Hold your shoulders square and turn your chin to the side, over your collarbone. Press gently with your hand and hold for 15 seconds. Repeat on other side.

Chest Muscles:

Hold a club behind your hips with both hands, fingers outward. Hold your chest out and gently raise the club with both hands. Hold 15 seconds and relax. Repeat a few times.

Oblique Abdominals:

Hold a club overhead with hands spread. Bend sideways at the waist as far as you can without leaning forward. Hold 15 seconds. Repeat on other side.


Leaning on a club for balance, gently pull your right foot upward behind your back with your right hand. Stand straight. Hold 15 seconds. Repeat on the left side.

Total time of warm up 3 minutes


To quote Pauline Hanson

"Please explain"

I do have one answer.

The reason Barbie never gets pregnant. - ken comes in a different box.

Until next month.





Volume 3

Edition 1

Rich River Trip

Cup Weekend 1998

Bookings have been confirmed for both Saturday and Sunday for 20 players.

Tee times are: Saturday 9.42am

Sunday 8.30am

Assemble 15 minutes prior to hit off.

These times allow a sleep in on the Saturday, after what is traditionally a late night, yet providing a reasonably free afternoon for individual activity.

The Sunday time will ensure the barbecue and trophy presentations are completed early, allowing a leisurely drive back to Melbourne.


A request was made for twenty rooms initially at the Moama Motor Inn (same venue as last year). They have in turn confirmed a booking for ten rooms only, with the deposit to be paid by August.

Obviously, we will need early intentions to be notified if we are to seek further accommodation, alternatively if we donít get an early response we will have to reduce the number of players.


Why not laybuy your trip - I know I will - this will have a dual effect; your deposit will be paid in advance and you will have more money on the weekend to enjoy the magical Port of Echuca. Or in Chrisí case, buy more huge footprints. Neil will keep a book on all laybuy payments, with Ken holding the money in the Clubís account.

By the way, costs have risen slightly. Allow approximately $20 extra per person. Even at the slight increase, Iím sure all who attended last year will agree itís excellent value for money. Final costings will be available in next monthís newsletter.


All we are seeking at this time is intention. Final decisions can be made when actual costings are available.

We have reason to celebrate:

A club record

Congratulations to Andrew Petricola for shooting a 29 off the stick for the front nine, a couple of weeks ago. If this score isnít beaten by the end of the year, Iím convinced the Committee will honour this achievement. Keep your fingers crossed Andrew. To everybody else, the target has been set.

Page 2.


A Ten Dollar Bet

Alan Davies looks like picking up a cool $10 from one Gerry Barber over a handicap reduction bet. Not only does the bet look secure, but at this stage Gerry is leading the Club championship despite the massive reduction to his handicap. However, the question must be asked. Can this form continue with a 2 piece 3 iron?

From the Minutes

  1. It was voted that the CCR would not move more than two strokes above or below the official ACR. This will have a bearing on handicaps.

Do me a favour, donít ask me how it works, ask the handicapper, thatís his job.

  1. The question of alcohol consumption on the golf course was also raised. It is the understanding of the Committee that alcohol on the course is prohibited. This matter will be raised with management. If this is the case we will seek adequate advisory signage be posted.



"Why put water on a course if it doesnít come into play" Rodger Clarke

Rodger was talking about the pond on the right of the new 15th. He then proceeded to pay his tee shot - your guessed it - right into the centre of the target and a one stroke penalty.

"We will have to get a move on. Weíre a hole behind".

Tony Mifsud

No explanation required

Pro Pin is ours

Enter the Pro Pin. On average a Club member has won the Pro Pin almost 50 percent of the time since Howard introduced it. Letís keep it in the club.


Pat and Mick were taking a short cut across the golf course when they heard a distant voice yell "Fore!" A golf ball struck Pat on the head sending him sprawling to the ground. "Donít get up mate", said Mick "thereís three more to come".







If you are a regular or semi regular player why not consider joining a friendly social club?

We have a regular tee time each Saturday and offer -

(over 200 balls so far this year)

(Stableford, par ambrose)

All for $2.00 per week plus green fees.

For more information contact:

President - Allan Davies 9439 7881

Secretary - Neil Argall 9432 8817


PS: Most of our members are Golf Pass players